Advanced Straw Technology

This one is an idea from the past, but it still hasn’t come to life yet. I’m sure a start-up named Sip(R) is right around the corner and will bring this into reality. Maybe with adverts or something, but alas, here’s the raw idea.

Ever been to a movie? Ever seen how large the soda glasses are coming? Ever joked about how big are they going to make them next? Ever then found yourself wondering how come you finish the super tanker of soda before the movie is even half-way done and you still are thirsty?

Well, your solution is the new advanced straw technology. One where your drink will never run out, never get cold, and you can switch flavors at any moment. How is this possible you ask? Well, with our new advanced straw technology, when you’re checking out with your tub of “buttered” popcorn, instead of a cup, they will sell you a straw. It will be an advanced straw. Not just a plastic (or now corn-based) plastic tube. Not just with a bendy part towards the top. But an advanced straw featuring a safety backflow preventing valve, and a proprietary locking joint at the bottom end.

Great, but where’s my cup?

No need. You walk to your seat and make yourself comfortable. Then you dock your straw in the matching proprietary locking joint in the armrest of your chair (you know, where the stone-age cupholder used to be). Once docked, the little led screen will appear letting you choose which flavor you would like, then just suck. Yes, just suck on it. And out will come your drink, plenty cold. And it will just keep on coming. No need to worry how much you drink. An unlimited amount of of your favorite flavors is at your elbow-tip. The credit card you have on file will be charged the amount of drink you have sucked by the end of the show. So if you just want a sip, you pay one price. If you want to drown your sorrows in syrupy goodness, you can another. And with special super-drinker club promotions, you can even buy an unlimited drink plan where each month you can drink a small portion of your overall allotment. Perhaps you bought the “drain the Amazon” size plan. Or “California is sinking” plan. Either way, you can just keep on drinking.

With all the advanced safety features built into the straw, you don’t need to worry about backwash, contamination or any of those needling worries you might have sucking nectar from an armrest.

But that’s not all. Given that we live in the world of smart phones and smart watches, instead of relying on a dinky 2 line LED readout under the arm of your Triple Goose sleeve, download our new app and you can mash up your flavors from our nifty app. Ever wanted Sprite Beer or Dr. Hi-C? You can now and it’ll all be served up in your nifty new advanced technology collectible souvenir straws. There’s the Straw Wars Episode VII straw featuring the return of Jar Jar Drinks. And don’t forget the new Alien Reunion themed straw featuring Sigourney Weaver’s scream that rings out every time you take a sip.

Aren’t you thirsty? What are you waiting for?

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